Bully Your Body?!

My post today initially related to the desensitization of obesity we are faced with in our culture and the need for an honest confrontation with oneself to start making positive changes in ones life. The American population often idolizes, 'celebritizes,' or 'model-fies' thin people yet when you take a step outside (other than NYC and LA) all we seem to see is partially overweight people, definitely overweight people, and obese people. I remember being a kid seeing a huge person here and there. It stuck out to me as unusual so much so that I would get in trouble by my parents for staring at them in awe. Now, 15 years later, it is a rare occasion that I go out in public and DON'T see someone over 300lbs. For me, this paints the landscape of today and my recommendation for all of us is to confront ourselves and have a real conversation with ourselves about our fitness and health.

Remember in Jim Carrey's film Liar, Liar his son says "My teacher said beauty is on the inside" and he replies, "That's just something ugly people say to make themselves feel better"? I feel today the common quotes are to "love the skin your in" and "love your curves" which both resonate with Jim Carrey's line but instead that it's something fat people say to make themselves feel better. Does that mean I don't think someone whose genetics gives them a bigger build shouldn't love themselves, no. Do I think anyone should not love themselves, no. I do believe curves on a fit body and having legit self-confidence (not to be confused with cockiness or masked insecurity) are two of the 'sexiest' things out there. I also recognize that a bigger build does not give a reason for not being fit, either. What I DO mean is that everyone should love themselves enough to actually take care of themselves, particularly concerning their health and fitness. I mean, this is a fitness blog, right? :)

We all know that emotional confidence can often be a positive side effect of physical activities when those amazing endorphin's lift our spirits. I believe fitness and health (emotional & physical) go hand in hand. So, as a sidebar, I want to relay that I am not talking about people who have self-loathing and/or depression conditions. This is generalized for the average bear, not someone with serious image or psychological issues, so when I speak of what 'we' should do, I am referring to the mass majority of people. Haha get it? MASS majority? Ahh, so good.

Ok, so I've set up the background to what I want to talk about today. In a facebook post I recently put on my personal page about all I've described above, my mind was spinning about something relative to the conversation and not the primary point I was trying to make. After doing some research and thinking, I wanted to highlight and dissect the following quote from Astrid Alauda, a psychologist whom specializes in Buddhist quotes. I believe her quote embodies exactly the message I am trying to convey because it's not just sweeping obesity under the rug, it's what we can do about it within ourselves to not be desensitized to it.

"Don’t let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the weight of its worries." -Astrid Alauda

Let's think about this. We all have that voice in the back of our head. Sometimes it's a Doubting Thomas, sometimes it's a guy in the corner of the boxing ring cheering you on. My guess is that most of us listen just a smidge more to Thomas. Thomas can be the voice of self doubt when it comes to your abilities, why you aren't getting the job you want, why you hate your thighs, etc. Corner Box Guy is telling you that you can do it, keep at it, don't quit, support yourself, dream big, achieve your goals. Call them good cop, bad cop if you will or the Angel and Devil on your shoulder, but we often forget there is a third member in our head. That voice is logical, determined, and is the lynch pin to achieving Corner Box's positive messages or falling down the helpless and excuse ridden landmines from Thomas.  Let's name him the Changer. Ever debate with these two side of things when you have a want? Let's go for an example from my personal experience.

Self: "I want to lose weight"
Doubting Thomas: "Well, it's been a couple years and it's really tough to get back into it. I love food and socializing and I'm worried that cutting out that portion of my life will leave me friendless."
Corner Box Guy: "I can do it."
Thomas: "But will you?"
CBG: "If I just put in a little work and it will take me far."
Thomas: "But it's SOOO much work to get that far. I'm not sure if you are really ready for a lifestyle change. I mean, look at yourself. It's hard for you to climb a flight of stairs and you adore Top Ramen WAY too much to simply cut it out cold turkey."

Now, most of us battle this out and sometimes Corner Box Guy wins and you start dieting perhaps and maybe try a couple classes at the gym. But you don't have a set plan and it often turns into a yo-yo diet wherein the first week you drop a lot of weight and when the weight loss isn't consistently dropping each week, Thomas rears his ugly head and you decide to give up because you worked too hard without enough payout. Other times, you don't even get started because you tell yourself that you'll adjust to the new you, that your friends/family will and should love you no matter what size you are, you have to learn to love yourself regardless of your fitness, and that although you hate the idea, there are bigger sizes in cute clothes and you can be a master of hiding your bad spots w/ clothing and good spots with great makeup, awesome hair, and a great personality. Am I right?!

Now, every once in awhile, the Changer voice of reason comes in. In fact, the Changer is always there, but you have either put the mute button on for awhile, or it's so soft toned that you pick up on traces of truth throughout the day but haven't melded them into one big decision. You make a couple small changes here and there (ex: your 'shoulding' actually works this time and you don't take a piece of cake at the party). That voice is the reasonable SHOULD we say out loud to others or tell ourselves and then ignore. Or we listen one time, tell everyone how proud we are for ourselves and then either go back to bad decisions or allowing yourself a 'treat' later for good behavior like you are some breed of dog. Now, imagine a world where you actually LISTEN to those SHOULDS habitually? That's when the Changer in your mind gets turned up full volume and you have a realistic, logical, reasonable, and honest fact-telling session with yourself. .

"Don’t let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the weight of its worries." -Astrid Alauda


When I look at Alauda's quote, it resonates so much with me truthfully that I can often see how people can misconstrue it's purpose. Allowing the right voice to "should" you (i.e. bully you) is in fact a good thing-but the choice is yours as to what voice you tune into most. Don't we learn about tough love growing up-particularly from our mothers? Mothers are an authoritative and loving figure in our lives that guides us to what is right and wrong and is blatantly honest with us out of love...often times when others aren't. The Changer voice is your personal tough love monitor, your honest friend, your competitive drive, and essentially the spirit you can choose to ignore or ignite within yourself. With it turned on full volume, you have even more potential to do all those things super positive Corner Box Guy says you can--except this time, you are taking action in the RIGHT direction.

What bullying oneself actually looks after the Changer's volume is turned up and you've had the honest discussion about yourself

Whether you realize it or not, listening to either side is an action and a choice. If you are worried that you are fat, listening to Thomas, avoiding mirrors at all costs and excusing yourself all the time is a decision/action you are taking. Listening to CBG but not listening to the Changer puts you in a place of faux confidence with nothing to back it up. CBG allows you to see the positive in everything, but when the reality of the situation hits you every time you have to take several gasps of air in conversation via shortness of breath because fat is clogging your arteries, that positivity means stink now, doesn't it? Listening primarily to either of these sides without the Changer voice is essentially allowing your worries, doubts, or over confidence to literally translate into carrying physical weight on your body. This is not fair to you or your loved ones (and tax payers down the road). The more you don't listen to the Changer, the more weight you will carry mentally/emotionally and you can count your life on it that you will carry it physically.

So, now I have explained all the voices and choices we face and you want to seriously make a change in your life. Here's how I did it and you can do it to.

1. I got real with myself
2. I turned the volume on Changer to high, while muting Thomas as much as I could, and turning CBG on low
3. I faced the facts 
4. I made goals
5. I made a plan
6. I follow that plan-take it for a test drive
7. I assess the plan to make sure it's working (making changes if necessary)
8. I get results
9. My CBG and my self confidence are married in true self love and happiness and my Changer voice continues to push me to the next phase of personal growth, fitness, and health-and so we go back to step one and repeat with a different set of goals

Getting real and facing the facts are truly the most difficult thing to do. It's harder than working out, going on long runs, you name it. After not being honest with yourself for years, it's hard to confront yourself and have that interpersonal conversation you have been avoiding for such a long time. I liken it to breaking up with your past, your fat, whatever it is you want to get rid of and/or change in your life. We bully ourselves all the time because we are our worst critics; however, when listening to the right voice, that bullying allows us to have the right conversation that is honest and turns us into our biggest supporters and motivators.

I had to get the Jim Carrey curse and not be able to lie to myself for at least once and then I was determined to do something about facing the facts. For me, facing the facts meant looking in the mirror at my naked self and for once allowing myself to not ignore it, not mask it and not fake my feelings. I allowed myself to feel ashamed and get mad at myself for the destruction I have done and come to grips that I was looking at the NOW me and that I wasn't the me I want to feel inside and out. I bought the scale, I did the research of where a woman my height, age, etc. is supposed to be and I stepped on. Facts faced: the numbers didn't lie and instead of shrugging it off, I dealt with them. I pinched and poked and prodded my body. I highlighted areas with my eyes that I made myself overlook or pretended not to feel uncomfortable when my husband had more to grab there than he did 5 years prior. Part of me wanted to cry but a fire of disgust was what really put me in an honest perspective. As I tuned into the Changer voice, I heard things like:

• This is you now. 
• You do not want this.
• You can no longer accept this. 
• You do not want to feel this.
• You did this to yourself.
• You have no one else to blame.
• You do not love the skin you are in.
• You pretend to love your curves.
• You hide your legs with jeans and your stomach with bigger clothing.
• You have a low self image confidence that you shadow by highlighting confidence in other things that .you are good at-thus ignoring the problem.
• You worry too much what others think, yet do nothing to stop that.
• You NEED to stand up for yourself. 
• You matter.
• You NEED to love yourself enough to take CARE of yourself.
• You MUST love other people more by taking care of yourself-don't be their burden or a cause for their worry.
• It cannot wait any longer.
• You have to get back.
• You have to get stronger.
• You cannot accept no for an answer.
• You.HAVE.to.do.this.

Tough pill to swallow, but man was that tough love true. And actually, coming face to face with the problems I was avoiding and neglecting was liberating. Facing the facts planted the motivation for me to make a change and gave me my X factor. The whole point of bullying is to get a reaction and in this case the reaction is motivation and determination to change, stand up for myself and answer the bullying with my action towards the right path to fitness and health. And this is the type of healthy bullying I am talking about-to push you around a little bit and jostle up some reaction. The next step was all on me. I now had to make goals.

A lot of the Changer voicing the facts gave me many of the things I wanted to work on, to reverse, and to change. The key to this step is to actually write them down. For me, I knew writing was a huge part because it put the ink in mental stone. I made a list of goals that were both short and long term. You can see them in my first post from way back when. 

Ok, so you know you want to be more fit and lose weight and you've written down your goals. But how do you make a plan? For me, writing goals down wasn't enough, so I started this blog where I was accountable to not only myself, but also to everyone reading them. Even more scary and liberating was to not only take, but post, before pictures of myself. It was so difficult and I bullied myself into doing them-vulnerable and all but man, it later became another thing that I faced the music about that was worth its weight in gold. And now I have a forever reference of how far I've come and how much I intend to never return to that state of mind or body.

Another part of the plan was looking up fitness programs. I didn't want to just join a gym or buy fancy equipment; I knew I couldn't allow rewarding myself with expensive in-home gym equipment as a newbie to the whole thing and I knew if it was a convenience, I wouldn't actually make a permanent change. It's like buying a motorcycle because one day you want to be a rider but have taken no classes and no action to become one...it just doesn't make sense to make the investment until you've invested the time elsewhere and proven the commitment. I found a strength training class that meets twice weekly (setting up a routine schedule is a great way to remain accountable) and I started regularly going to classes like Zumba and Tae Bo. For anyone starting out, easing into a routine will make the transition much better. Try a few things out and you'll discover right away which workouts give you the jollies  and what doesn't float your boat. The goal at that point is just to get active and try things on for size.

As stated in many past posts, I do not believe in dieting. I think it's way too easy to yo-yo and it won't have lasting effects. So, part of your plan needs to be what you intend to do with your eating habits. This for many is a struggle and portion control takes a bit to work on. Give it two weeks of eating correct portions and I promise your stomach will stop feeling like a wretching pit. Try to eat as clean as possible and that will make sure your body is getting the right nutrients throughout the day and don't be fooled by 100 calorie packs...if you shouldn't be eating it in the first place, 100 calorie packs are still empty calories and cheating. If you HAVE to find a fix for salty or sweet cravings, any Google search will show you alternatives to those foods you crave and some even offer reasons of why you crave what you do and how to counteract it (i.e. crave sweet things when you are dehydrated because the flavors will make you salivate, giving a false sense of liquids in the mouth). Here's a great article on cravings.

Try all of these 3 elements of your plan out for a solid month. See how you feel, if your energy levels have spiked, identify problem areas, etc. and then adjust to set you up for success. Maybe Friday nights are tough-that's fine, one day to be carefree helps and you might find that over time you end up making better decisions on that day after feeling how much work it takes to drop and keep off a pound. Either way, you are guaranteed to get results. It's virtually impossible not to feel better and more encouraged when you start to feel less achy and you realize you can push a little harder this week vs. last week. Relish in that pride and use it as a means to continually commit to your goals.

The best part about doing this and sticking with the plan is that your actions are finally speaking on your behalf Have a bad week and didn't lose anything? Did that mile that wasn't supposed to be tough kick your bum? I promise that people are much more understanding and incredibly more supportive of your situation when they know you are actually doing something about it instead of griping all the time or silently not saying anything (like that big elephant in the room).

When your Changer voice is turned up, you will find yourself often in the midst of a food temptation when BOOM! in comes the voice of reason reminding you all the reasons you started in the first place. Let it bully you, listen to it, react towards the positive and you can't go wrong. Same thing goes in the gym: perhaps the instructor isn't looking your way or maybe you know you could do an extra 5 lbs on those weights but you just aren't up for it...when the Changer voice comes in to badger you, it's probably exactly right. I mean, you are there anyways. Don't just show up. Be present for the lifestyle change and give 100% effort or else you are wasting your time and that nagging voice of Thomas will come back to haunt you instead of encourage you like Corner Box Guy.

Obviously, I am going to suggest your try it for yourself. If you do manage to have this honest conversation with yourself, please comment on your experience. Did you turn up the volume on the Changer? Was there still a battle with Thomas? How about your true self-confidence level? How has changing your lifestyle helped you and would you do anything different? Do you allow the Changer to tell you when you are not applying yourself to the fullest potential (i.e. bully you)?

Your mind has the power to affect so much of your life. The choice is yours to make it worthwhile, positive and happy. You do not have to carry the mental and physical weight of those worries, stress, and all things Thomas loves. You don't have to believe in your self doubt; only YOU can give it power by feeding into those negative thoughts, those many excuses, or that false sense of confidence of make believe 'loving yourself' when you are overweight and can still do something about it. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Support yourself. And you damned well better bully yourself to kick some a*$ every chance you get. After you reach those goals-start right back at it. I don't call that voice the Changer for nothing: it's meant to keep changing your life towards your fullest potential, beyond your initial goals, and to keep you on the path to personal growth and overall health.


In order to achieve something you never had, you must do something you never had. So bully on, my health-seeking vagabonds, bully that body into fitness submission. And then do it again :)

Love w/ all my bum,
CH

P.S. My Changer is cranked up high...yours SHOULD be too!

Actions Speak Louder than Words

What a month this has been! What a week this has been! What a day this has been!

I said last month "I'm back" and I sure have been.. I thought I'd let my weight and workouts do the talking for me though. I didn't want to justify or excuse myself each week if I didn't go out there and try something really intense and then report back. So my report is in...a month of some crucial workouts have put me in this wonderful spot today.

Since the half, I had gained almost 15 lbs from a lack of cardio and clean eating. It's amazing how easy and how quick you can let hard work slip away. I liken it to the public school teacher saying 'it's more difficult to maintain an A than it is to get to one." Well said, Teacher, well said.


In an effort to get right back on track, I set out to crush the gym with weight lifting and embark down the path of bike riding for cardio in addition to a couple runs here and there. What I realized about running is that I have a pattern of doing a big race and then burning out. I want to stop this habit by integrating different cardio routines in the mix so that after a race, I still have other cardio goals to reach for that prohibit me from halting the program. Adding the cycling to the mix, I was able to get my husband on board with cardio as well as earn a partner to make the tough miles go by quicker. In the past month, we have pedaled more than 100 miles together and it feels great. This is my "What a month" moment.

Me and my fitness bucket list after the 20 miler!

Back in March, I recommended that everyone reading this or wanting to get fit should make a fitness bucket list with goals both short and long term. Remember?! As I have been on this journey, there have been quite a few mini-milestones met along the way (first was being able to run a mile w/o stopping, months later it became to run a half, fit into size 8 pants, etc.). Well, this past weekend, I accomplished a goal on the list: to bike 20 miles again. I say again because a long time ago, while I was living in Germany, I got stranded in the night with no taxis available and it was far too late to call my parents to have them get me. So I borrowed a bike from a friend and rode through the night and managed to get home at dawn. I later calculated that I rode 20 cold, lonely and scary miles to get home. I wanted to do it again but not out of necessity and definitely under better circumstances. My husband set out the course and we ended up riding all through the Marine Corps base, Quantico, for 20 hilly miles. If anyone knows Virginia topography, then you know it's impossible to have a flat course for any given distance over 3 miles. There were a few doozies along the way, but we didn't stop and I accomplished my goal!

On the back of the piece of paper/goal, I wrote a reward. 20 miles on a bike equated to a massage and what luck I had as my best friend (from high school-ironic, right?!) came into town that afternoon and gave me a massage (she is a masseuse)! So achieving this goal is where the "What a week" comes into play.

Onto my "What a day" moment: I have been weighing myself off and on this month. After seeing those numbers from my last recorded weigh in, I was feeling pretty stupid for letting myself gain weight so noncommittally that I knew I needed to push it out and get back to where I should've been and back on the right path. You know the funny thing? I KNEW I was going down the rabbit hole and I still didn't stop myself...how horrible is that? I guess we all have times where we just have an 'eh, forget it' but it NEVER, EVER feels like the right thing to do and is ALWAYS laced with regret (Thanksgiving dinner, holiday parties, Xmas meals...regretful feelings of overeating ring a bell, anyone?). My success this month was in my weigh-in today. I'm going to show you my last published weigh in on my blog and then my weigh in
today.

May 24:

Weight: 164.4 (down 43.4 total)

Percent of Body Fat: 36% (down 8.3 %)

BMI: 27 (-7.2 pts)

Water Weight: 46.7% (up 6.7%)

Weeks to Meet Goal: 29

TODAY:

Weight: 169.2

Percent Body Fat: 37.3%

BMI: 27.8

Water Weight: 45.7%

What I see is a great mini-success. I am just a few pounds shy of where I was a couple months ago, my body fat percentage is off my points and I, in general, feel fantastic. "What a day" this morning was when 7.6 lbs were shed from my body in response to my hard work for the month. I was thrilled and motivated to, as Dory would say, 'just keep swimming.'

Looking to next week, I hope to post more positive news with negative numbers. I also intend to sign up for a couple races before Christmas and I look forward to continuing on this positive path!

Love w/ all my bum,
CH

Let Positivity Reign

Hey guys!

We just finished up a softball tournament in which we made it to the semi-finals-one game shy of the championship. We did, however, beat our rival team which to me is far more glorious a victory trophy over the physical one! Point is: the nights have been LATE, so my apologies in not getting this out sooner.

I thought I'd share with you this week an email I received from a follower of my blog. Throughout my journey, I have received words of encouragement from this person who has always seemed to have my back in times of self-doubt (oftentimes unbeknownst to the follower). The message was so powerful to me and applicable to many who are being critical of themselves or maybe didn't perform the way they hoped that I thought I should share it. Having a support system is fantastic but having someone be able to pinpoint the raw emotions you feel and be able to harness that into a positive message that motivates you to do more, run farther, or get back on that horse is priceless.

The message reads as follows:

I personally think you're being too hard on yourself. The first thing to consider is whether you completed the 13.1 miles you set out to complete. Check

Maybe you didn't do it at the pace you intended, but who determined that pace? You did. What criteria did you use? An arbitrary one. Regardless of your pace, the bottomline is that you endured a pre-race injury, and you completed a major accomplishment despite of it.

We all have to establish a foundation and then work up from there. Just because I run 13.1 for workouts now doesn't mean I started out at that distance. Like you, I began somewhere and then worked my way up to it. My last two runs have been at a slower pace, but more importantly, I completed each one.

You're going to experience ups and downs along the way. That's your body's way of adjusting to the stress it's enduring for you.

Be proud! You deserve to feel good about what you did. There will always be another event in which you can test your mettle, but isn't it great to now be focused on how fast can I run this half in lieu of will I be able to finish this half?

Now that you know you can finish, isn't it liberating to take on other thoughts? Relish in that freedom. Relish in the fact that your body will only get stronger and faster in time. The key is to be patient. Give yourself the time you need to get where you want to go. Traffic jams are only frustrating if you didn't leave yourself enough time to get where you wanted to go. Am I right?

Speaking of being right, you have the right to feel what you feel. You have the right to be disappointed in your performance. You do! But don't let those negative feelings ever sideline you from taking the next step. You're not crazy. You're a strong, independent woman, braced to accept more physical challenge, and I believe in you.

I feel like many parts of this message could be a mantra to pick anyone up, dust them off, and send on their way towards their goals. Whenever I get to the point of no return, a supporter and friend will send me a text out of no where telling me to keep it up or a water bottle or a powerful email. I am grateful to these people that do not question where I've been, but rather lift me to excel and create new goals. It really is remarkable. This journey has become so much more than just losing weight and getting fit. It's become a basis for a lot of how I perceive the world, my relationships with others and my views on the meaning of life.

My last post talked about getting in the slumps and touched on letting negativity rule your life. It's so easy to fall into the pit and let one decision snowball into many others. For me, that was the foot injury, the poor performance on the run, and then the subsequent lack of cardio training and then, ultimately, eating poorly again. What follows after that is letting your guilt from neglecting those other things feed into your thoughts and even your relationships. If you are stressed, the stress becomes that much more intolerable. You are more likely to let negative thoughts in because you don't have an outlet.



So my word of advice for today is to relish in the freedom that you accomplished something...but not too long because you are only sowing and watering the temptations you have worked so hard to stray from. Harness the positive in your life (even when it comes from strangers) and begin setting short term goals immediately.

And lastly, never give up on yourself and never let self-doubt and negative thoughts cloud your ambitions.

Love w/ all my bum,
CH

The Power of Thought

Bum Followers!

Guess who's back, back again? Guess who's back, tell your friends...I found my inner Eminem!

Ok let's jump right into it. I had a REALLY tough time letting go of my half marathon. Obviously, from my lack of posts, I had some stuff I needed to sort out and definitely left some of you hanging. A good thing though is that although my posts have been missing, my followers have not as this blog now reaches as far East as China and as far south as Australia! Woot!

I want to go into this past month with you for some insight. After the run, as for many runners, there is a burnout phase. You simply have no desire to run and you want to get back on a schedule that doesn't have running times dictate what you can and cannot do on Friday nights and over the weekend. You want to reconnect with the friend-dates you put on hold for the training. And you want to eat whatever the heck you darned well pleased. Shoot, after not being able to eat the day of the race, the next week feels like you have a hunger that is insatiable.

After that initial week, I decided that I was going to allow my foot to heal completely. In a bad and good way, I stopped all cardio. What's bad is that I didn't seek alternatives that would be less invasive on my foot, but still allowed my heart to get pumping. What's good is that I actually allowed it to heal 100%-what you'll find with any athlete, runner, etc. is that there is a constant struggle to continue and a stubbornness to not let it heal because the competitive drive in you wants to keep moving forward and not get weak.

Week 2 of this burnout was a major gorgefest and week 3 landed me in tears one night telling my husband that I was "falling" aka failing in this journey. Have you ever felt yourself sliding but have no way to scream it out? Or that you want someone to shake you awake but you feel like your thoughts are an outer extension of yourself and the body is paralyzed? That, in a way, was how I felt. And even though I had a cry for help in that teary moment with my husband, no one else knew about it.

It's hard to admit when you need help, let alone ask for it

The remaining weeks of this past month can only be described with negative words like awful, self-depreciating, depressing, stressful. Harsh, right? I know it sounds weird, but I started to think I was a bad person, that I was too cocky, that I don't do enough 'right' by people. That coupled with a few people in my personal life telling me I wasn't as supportive as I should be about their lives or reconnecting with a friend after 9 years and hashing everything out, furthered that self-doubt and a lot of digging up emotions I worked so hard to suppress and let go of years ago. All of this added up to the one thing that kept those negative thoughts at bay: a lack of motivation to be mentally and physically fit. They really do go hand in hand. Trust me on this: if you are not a healthy, fit person physically...it is likely you are not healthy mentally either. This is not to say those that don't work out are more likely to be sociopaths, but more that they have a higher likelihood of being self-deprecating and lack a solid self-esteem.

How I felt pretty much the entire month of July

So where does that leave us now? What brought me back into the swing? The answer is very simple: YOU and other people invested in my fitness. Over this past month, I have had a stream of messages come to me from various places. I had an old sorority sister reach out and send me the following message:

" So I decided to send you a message to tell you that I hope you know how encouraging you can be. Your posts about working out are inspirational. I can't say I was working out much at all in the recent past let a lone as much as I should have been, and it's friends like you posting encouraging messages and about their own work out accomplishments (and of course my own will) that's have motivated me to work out more. I've actually been sticking with it for about 3 months now. Not at any significant mile markers yet but anything is better then nothing right? Anyway. I just wanted to tell you and thank you for posting those things. Even if you didn't specifically mean them for me or realize they really would help. Also. Congrats on the run you did recently. You looked super cute and proud (and rightfully so) in the pictures. "


Naturally, I got an initial high from reading this message. Wow-someone came up to me to send this and share their journey with me. This person wanted to start a dialogue about what they are going through.

And in between that message and a later message I'll describe, I received texts from supporters asking where my posts were. Another supporter called me to "check-in" to make sure I was doing okay and wanted to tell me about their journey and struggles (I secretly believe in an attempt for me to confess what was going on with me and my journey). I even got posts on my Facebook asking where the heck my blog posts were. 

A couple weeks later, I received this:
"Girl! I need some of your inspiration and tips to success as I strive to start training for this half marathon. I can't get past 3 miles ( feel like I'm dying at 3 mark! ) !!! Help!!"


All.be.damned.

Someone is asking ME for running advice? Did they not see or know how horrible I did in the race? Who am I to give advice? I'm seriously one of the slowest runners in the world! It kind of sunk in that I had done something other people may look up to. Like finishing is the dream regardless of the time for some (heck, that was my initial goal too!).  Another friend told me that she wanted to start running but felt intimidated by how many miles I run now and that they wouldn't want to hold me back. Are you kidding me?! I still think a mile is a big freaking deal (even if 13.1 couldn't convince me that I'm a badass LOL).

Then, yesterday, it all came to a head. And I finally understood it. I received a package in the mail with a token and a card. The timing couldn't have been more perfect because I was seriously debating whether or not I wanted to work out at all (I had even canceled plans to run with a friend that evening) and I decided to get the mail to see how I felt about being outside for possibly a bike ride. For those of you who don't know me very well, I LOVE surprises and I LOVE mail so when I get a surprise IN the mail, it's like a double whammy. I opened up the package to discover a water bottle. The message connection instantaneously told me to get my butt in gear, right now.

Who would've thought that a water bottle bore so much weight as a gift?!

A very supportive friend sent me a water bottle and a card...not just any water bottle though, but a super fancy and ultra personalized water bottle. It was as if she had bottled up motivation and sent it directly to me. Her note in the card even indicated a need for 'refreshment' that she was providing. Dear friend, you refreshed my motivation! And so I went for a 10 mile bike ride immediately. That's when it hit...I was doing the SAME thing to my friends and even people I barely know. My message was getting across through my blog, my motivational and fitness driven Facebook posts, my visible weight loss and energy by my co-workers and those around me. When I stopped stoking that fire, people noticed. How amazing it was to feel like hey, what I am doing for myself actually does matter and have an affect on others. If nothing else, it plants the seed. And even when I am not feeling motivated, somehow it still affects others.

One of the biggest shoulder's I have ever known approached me and told me they joined the gym and for 3 weeks now has been going 3 times a week. She went from nothing to something and felt the need to tell me about it. How amazing! This is the same person who said she couldn't follow my blog last year when i started it because it was too much guilt for her to read. And yet, a year later, she found her x-factor. Amazing!

What this all boils down to is the power of thought. My VERY first post was "You Change Your Life When You Change Your Mind" and my how that comes full circle today. If you think negative, you will be negative, your results will be negative and people can feed off that negativity. This month was difficult because I allowed those negative thoughts and feelings to rule my life. I let myself doubt my capabilities. I let myself get depressed. I hadn't felt this bad in awhile and duh, I had no means to feel productive and also get all that frustration out! My energy levels were low, I melted into the couch more than once, and my eating habits turned into nightly snacks that I would have vomited over watching myself eat 2 months ago.

Today, I renew my commitment to positive thought. No one can be 100% on all the time so there is going to be missteps and times where you lose faith, motivation, and positivity. The point is to accept them and then have tunnel vision to continue moving forward. Don't look back on the failures and dwell on them. Don't get upset about "what might have been" or "what should have been" but rather "what can I do to challenge myself today?" and "what can I do today to make me feel accomplished, proud of myself, and feel like a bad ass?"

This approach is so much more rewarding because let's face it, if you want to be a victim, it's the single most easiest thing to do and if you want to be depressed, it's so much easier. I liken it to the adage that it's more difficult to keep an A than to get to earning it. I have earned my spot as a woman who gives a crap about her mental and physical fitness, but KEEPING it alive and tenacious is the challenge. I have to continually come up with new challenges, new competitions, new goals and keep reinvigorating my motivation (fuel up the tank here and there). Sure, the tank will decrease fuel over time, but the onus is on me to never get below the scary, burned out level again.

So, thanks, supporters and random people that checked up on me this past month. You helped fill my tank back up...now back to racing towards my goals!


Love with ALLLLLLLLL of my bum,

CH

P.S. for those curious about the weight, etc. I gained just a couple of pounds but increased by body fat percentage-you know darned well I'll be remedying this! But my body also encouraged me because I still fit into the same clothes this month and it's likely because although I stopped cardio this past month, I still played softball weekly and did my TNT strength training classes.

One Year Ago

Thursday, June 2nd, 2011. I go to work as usual. I start my computer, listening to the hum of it drumming up and presenting me with my list of countless, and often pointless, things to do for the day. I go to the kitchen for some water only this time, I also go to the kitchen to prepare my breakfast. It's the first step to changing my lifestyle. The rest of the day seems pretty normal. I have my lunch that I made for myself and with a little extra effort, I add some peppers to my sandwich. The work day ends and I head home. Upon arrival at home, instead of reaching for a snack and the remote, I walk upstairs and put on some sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt. I leave for the gym...and bingo: I'm in it for real.

I didn't want to start this journey on a Monday. Aside from being cliche, I knew it was another pitfall. "Next week", "oh after the holidays", "after the 3-day weekend", "after", "as soon as", da da da. We all know it; we've all excused ourselves from it: our health and our well-being. That Thursday, I didn't. I came home and before taking a shower, I weighed myself, wrote it down on a piece of paper, and then looked at my naked self in the mirror. I was ashamed, depressed, and sad. I didn't like what I saw. I knew that I had "let myself go." Why had it taken me 70 lbs to wake up to it? Sure, I realized it every week as clothes felt snug, jeans couldn't zip, my want for social engagements began to diminish, and sex w/ the light on (or during the daytime) became non-existent. But why oh why did I avoid it? Who did it help? No one. Who did it hurt? Me. Was I really THAT self-loathing? I think not. Did I think I was a strong, independent woman? You're damned right. Did I love myself? Absolutely, but not like this. Hmm, what could I do about that? Only one word came to mind: START.

And so I started this journey. I didn't work out long that day, but I knew I had made another positive step. I wanted to continue. I even had a friend who wanted to see change in their life...so I felt like I had an external support system to make me accountable and a husband that I knew would cheer me on (even if he wasn't participating). But I knew that wouldn't be enough. The friends and the support would be fleeting. I had my own set of goals that I knew no one else shared. I wanted to be held to a higher standard: accountable to myself and my own words. If it was published publicly, how could I not face them? How could I deny it's utterances? I couldn't. And so this blog, Bum Greater Than Heart, was born. I loved what the name implied because I knew that no matter how fit I got, no matter how much I changed, my booty would always be bigger than my heart! I embraced it but also felt like it would be a forever kind of challenge to strive to become a better person and make my heart bigger. But I knew that I would be of no use to anyone if I wasn't personally healthy inside and out-hence making that booty smaller first!

For a year, some of you have been following my ups and downs with motivation, my revelations, my constant turmoil with my weight, my changes to a healthier eating lifestyle. I have let you know of my failures and my successes. I have been vulnerable more than ever before. In a society where weight and image is so predominant, I stood out on the gang plank naked before all of you w/ my obesity, high scale numbers, and my courage in front of you. I put it all out there. And yet you still read and gave me encouragement when I thought I might drown.

Today, I reflect on this past year. I have gone through so much, but so have all of you. When you reflect on a year, so many others stories get mingled within them. Some people that I was really close to a year ago are no longer a part of my life (although that makes me sad, I'm ok with it), some things that I despise are still a part of my every day life, and some things (the good things) have been a constant-only now I can appreciate those constant more fully and I attribute that to June 2, 2011-the day I STARTED.

A year ago, I could not walk up the stairs from my living room to my bedroom without having pain in my legs and without feeling like I had asthma. Even having long conversations was a small struggle. I could begin recognizing a wheeze in my voice. I could not run a mile without stopping. I could not look in the mirror and feel proud or recognize strength. I did not feel worth it.

Today, I ran a half-marathon. Many of you expressed your personal pride in me...what a glorious boost that was and the emotional blessing is more than I could describe. I know I should celebrate the moment, this great journey, how far I have come. How much weight I have lost, etc. I should relish in the determination I have had...but you know what? I don't. You all know I'm not one for 'should'ing, so here's why I'm not all 'glory days' today.

I set out to reach a goal and come hell or high water (or a foot injury), I was going to finish. I'm not going to lie, that race kicked my butt. It was hard, hot, laborious and at times I never felt so lonely. Have you ever been in a crowd of thousands and felt like you were the only one there? Can you imagine how it felt to watch woman after woman pass me for TWO AND A HALF HOURS while I struggled to maintain an even pace? How about seeing all these beautifully fit and toned women around me climb a mountain with me that they don't see as a personal triumph because it was, and has been, second nature for them? I have never felt so out of place. And the loneliness towards the end was unbearable. A year of flashback feelings came to me during that race. The feeling inadequate, gross, etc. and then a second later, I would look down at my arm with a portion of a quote I loved and found myself again. There I was, among these athletes, still doing it, still finishing what I had started.

I ran this race intending to not walk during any part of it. That has always been my goal-to do it without stopping. Unfortunately, I did have to walk a couple different parts of it. I know that seems like a small thing, but for me, it was a personal failure. I really cannot make any excuses for it. The last month of training (i.e. the most important part) was riddled with my injury and I only truly performed 2 days of the 4 weeks I needed to. Of course, this rest of my foot enabled me to even be able to participate in the run and I am ever thankful for that because doing this race on the 1 year anniversary of my decision to start this journey was meaningful to me on so many levels. But my mind knew I could do better and so I wasn't filled with enormous pride when I finished. I wanted to push myself and I did. The last long run I did two weeks ago was at a whopping 15 min/mile pace. In this race, I brought that down 3 minutes per mile faster with no additional training; however, my results was still 1:00 minute to 1:30 seconds per mile slower than I wanted to personally achieve at the race. So I felt that even though I pushed myself, I came up a bit short of my personal goal.

Looking at the "positive side of things," I am grateful I could run at all. Sometimes I feel like shaking myself and saying "Really, Carissa? Really? A year ago you couldn't do 1/13 of this and here I am running a HALF-MARATHON...that's a big freaking deal! Some of your own friends made an excuse as to why they couldn't even leave their house today and yet here you are running this at the butt-crack of dawn, post-crazy tornado and flooding in the DC area, ready to rumble. Some people you know are still 'shoulder's even after a year of you telling them they are the sole people in control of their decisions....and are STILL overweight and loathe themselves...You should be PROUD of even the smallest achievement because it is better than doing nothing at all!"

And then I realized why I feel unaccomplished today. Yea, I didn't go as fast as I wanted to, I didn't run the entire time (my biggest hang up), but life happens. Sometimes I don't stay on my healthy kick and I go for the ice cream instead of the berries. I get sick and want the comfort of Ramen noodles. And sometimes a stupid foot injury keeps me from reaching my personal goal, but a busted foot one month and a package of Ramen here and there does not represent a failure in the entire journey, but rather a small failure or present challenge in the overall big picture. If I was perfect all the time, what good would it do for me or for anyone? How could my readers relate if I decided I was going to eat right and then NEVER mess up? What would I write about then? Nothing! If I had ran this race 1,000% to my personal standards then I wouldn't feel the need to challenge myself further.

God does indeed work in mysterious ways. I know I feel pretty down and out about this run at the moment and maybe in a few weeks I'll write about it as the best thing I did so far w/ sunshine and rainbows (plan on another post just as I described w/ pictures of the run and my raw emotions throughout)...but guess what? I am already looking for the next one. I am going to do another 1/2 marathon and this time, I am not going to walk at all and I am going to reach my pace goal. Sans injury, no feeling sorry for myself, and no excuses. There it is in print so you can all hold me to it!

Post Year Confession: I secretly thought a year ago that after one year, I would have lost those 70 lbs and been all cute and hot again. Life and permanent change takes more than just a year and I am realizing that now. If I had just dropped all that weight, I would still be the same, skinny person I was years ago and that just won't do. This is about growth and being healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have a long way to go. I am not the total package...yet. Again, God works mysteriously.

With this renewed sense of challenge and determination, I set forth into year #2 of my transformation. Again, I promise the truth, the ups, the downs, the failures. I could have written this post all victorious and proud, but it wouldn't have been real and what was truly on my mind at present. I know some of you may think I am being hard on myself, but it just isn't the case. If anything, I am more determined and resilient because now I am competing with myself and if you know me on any personal level, I am the most competitive person out there and I.HATE.TO.LOSE. So take that self! Bring it on!

So after a year, I really do realize that the miracle is not that I finished the half marathon, or any other race I completed or will sign up for, but that the miracle is that I decided to START this journey in the first place.

Love w/ my ever shrinking bum,
CH

P.S. I hope that you continue to share your struggles, triumphs and most important, that you continue to support me in this journey. Your feedback is sometimes what gets me through the week, that's just how important each and every one of you are.

Week 50-Bikes, Blenders, Booty

Gooooooooooooooooooood morning class!

My, my, my, are we in for a great week or what? Every chance I get, I take a trip on my bike. It's such a wonderful addition to the workout routine, only it makes me more nostalgic about my childhood and camping days and less about my thighs burning! I don't care how old you are, there is something glorious and exhilarating about booming down a hill so fast that tears stream parallel to your wide grinned lips! If you don't have a bike, this is an incredibly good buy, especially when you begin replacing errands in your car with riding. Think about how far you drive to the grocery store to pick up a few things...if you live anywhere remotely suburban or urban, chances are there is a store within 5 miles of your home. Bring a backpack with you and grab what you need and tote it back! It really is that simple. Veggies and fruits are a cinch to drop in a backpack, try it out!

Here's a picture of my new bike! It's a Nishiki from Dick's Sporting Goods

If you are just getting into a workout routine, a bike ride is an excellent way to build up your muscle strength and endurance, in addition to you walking and attempting to run longer distances. I only wish I hadn't waited almost a year to get one. Sometimes, I lack the drive to go for a 4 mile run, but will now gladly do 8 miles on a bike.

Another product I recently got that I now claim as the most glorious appliance ever made, is a Hamilton Beach "Stay or Go" blender. I am a big homemade smoothie maker, especially when you cannot trust the vast majority of smoothies made at restaurants as they either have a TON of sugar, use crap milk, are stacked with calories, and claim to use real fruit when in actuality it's a flavored syrup. Add enough roughage to a smoothie and you will quickly learn that you keep having to push the leaves down toward the base of the blender and continually need to keep adding liquid. Say no more if you've been in this situation (never mind about ice not getting crunched down enough). The solution for ALLLLLL your problems is this blender I just purchased.


The 'stay or go' element is what has me most riveted. I generally make my smoothies for breakfast and then chug it along my morning commute. So I blend first then have that awkward 'please don't be so thick that you decide to come all out of the blender at once and get all over the kitchen counter' business. There is RARELY a time I don't have some sort of spill clean-up after I make a shake. But this blender comes with a smoothie cup that's bottom can attach to the base of the blender and you can blend right in the cup you intend to hit the road with! It's a time saver, a clean-up saver, and basically the coolest thing out there to buy. The blades are designed to pull the contents of the glass down to the bottom, the ice turns magically into little slivers, and I have yet to have any chunks of leaves un-blended. The ease of it has made me get more and more into packing a juice with me when I leave every morning. And priced around $30.00 (Target), you really cannot go wrong.

This week, I have been watching my foot and taking it easy when I can to ensure it's healthy for the 1/2 marathon next Saturday (June 2nd). I'm still getting in cardio and following the training, but subbing out parts of the running with the bike. As the days get closer and I see the training ease up, I realize that I am a mere 9 days away from the big day. Wow......look how far I've come. I am anxious and nervous, of course, and I'll probably talk all about it next week in anticipation for the run, but I must admit that I look forward to jumping back into some fun classes, like zumba, when I am finished training. Although you cannot quite beat the cardio benefits of running, I know I'll need to take a break (if only for my foot's sake) from it for a few weeks to allow my body to heal and distracting my mind with pumping music and being surrounded by a bunch of people sounds like the perfect medicine.

Onto the weigh in for the week:

This Week:

Weight: 164.4 (down 43.4 total)

Percent of Body Fat: 36% (down 8.3 %)

BMI: 27 (-7.2 pts)

Water Weight: 46.7% (up 6.7%)

Weeks to Meet Goal: 29

I've lost another two pounds this week and I feel like perhaps my plateau is finally giving me a break (even if a small one). I don't know why, but I have been stuck around that 40 lb area for MONTHS now. And with all this 1/2 marathon training, I was certain I would've dropped at least 10 pounds as a result...yet here I am-stuck. Dang, it can be so darned frustrating.....'just keep swimming, just keep swimming' is all I can tell myself to keep the end target in focus. Perhaps getting into a "I run at least 3 miles every day" routine will help me shed this highly unwanted weight. I am now just 1.4 lbs shy of weighing the average weight of women in America. Sadly, this number has increased 11 lbs (10%) over the past decade and so I do not count myself as 'average' until I get to the old valuation of 152. It does go to show how much our food industry, portion sizing, and eating habits have grown over the past decade, though. 

Looking to next week, I'll be winding down the training and giving you a break down of what I expect for the run. I'll likely post following the run to let you all know how it went, my thoughts on it, etc. 

Love w/ all my bum,

CH

Is Your Significant Other on Board w/ Your Goals?

Last week I talked about some personal stuff. It was difficult and somewhat tearful to get through, especially the kind words and stories followers, like you, told me about your own stories. It's amazing how we can all be so different, yet so woven together at the same time. Thanks for sharing!

Today's post is dedicated to the significant other whether it be your roommate, your best friend, your boyfriend, fiance, husband, or cat.

I often paint you a very rosy depiction of my love, Neal, and his supportive role in my life. Without a doubt he has always been a verbal supporter, a protector, etc. But what about a follower? Mind you, I made the decision to get healthy for myself even though I make myself accountable to my spouse (always hated that word), my friends, followers and family. But what about living in a household where you are the only one trying to get fit?

Decisions, decisions

A few months ago, I wrote about how your social group can greatly impact your ability to reach your goal and that sometimes, you may have to alter your friendships here and there. When you are living with someone, it's not so easy to alter the norms in the household and can prove (what I believe) to be the most difficult challenge of getting fit.

You may have the whole "x-factor" thing worked out, you've gotten the will power and mental motivation to embark on a healthy lifestyle...now what? For me, I took that month of May in 2011 to not only think of how to prepare myself and set goals, but also to prepare my husband. I strongly encourage you to do this with those you live with before you make the change. Here's a few how to's:

1. Tell your special person your intention and goals (both long term and short term)
2. Tell them WHY you intend to make a change and HOW you are going to do it
3. Let them know that you need their support (even if they aren't participating)
4. Let them know that there will be some changes to that person's lifestyle to a degree as well (i.e. if you go out to eat all the time as a couple and this is not something you think is a good idea for you, you need to be upfront about it)

Our discussion was pretty basic to what I numbered above. My biggest thing was asking Neal to not bring in temptations into the house, especially when I was first starting out, because I lacked some control in this area. I mean, it's hard to turn down a steamy and gooey slice of pizza when you have a dull salad in front of you, right?! So I asked him to avoid snacking in front of me and to be mindful to not bring it into the house right where I can get my little paws onto in the evening. He freely agreed and it was nice to be able to share my weekly progress with him.

I set on this journey so I could feel great about myself and look great inside and out. But that also came with the hope that my husband would also see how hard I am working, see how great my body is transforming, and that he would jump on board along with me. I wanted to lead by example with Neal. I wanted to show how much I was accomplishing so that he could do the same, especially because achieving your goals can be so rewarding! But remember my post from last week, the "x-factor" for me won't necessarily be the same for him.

We often forget how much we need to lead people and follow people. It's human nature but for whatever reason, I was failing at leading Neal. As the cook in the family, I thought I had this all planned out: I would start cooking healthy meals and hubs would eat it and after detoxing over a few weeks, he'd begin to have the same cravings for healthy food as I have. Wrong. I would make a salad and he'd eat that and then later scrounge around and eat some frozen catastrophe of a meal, go to McDonald's later, or complain that he wasn't full for the remainder of the evening. At 6'7 it's no wonder he was always hungry with my smaller portioned meals but at the same time, I knew his stomach had been stretched to the max with our bad eating habits. It was a long rough patch with no clear end in sight. We'd talk about the toxicity of fast food and chain restaurants at home, only to have him eat it when I wasn't around. I'd make my lunch everyday, would buy stuff for him to make his own or even opt to make his, only to later discover that he would go to Taco Bell in addition to eating his homemade lunch.

This is how I felt about Neal. Kick him so he'll get up and get active with me!

To add to my failure with his fitness, he would NEVER and I mean NEVER work out with me. Here I was going to the gym at least 5 days a week and he wouldn't participate once. Sure, he is in the military and that connotes a set of workout routines but that wasn't the case. PT is a thing for the fleet and he is not with the fleet so their mandatory workouts are not followed. I wanted him to train with me for that Warrior Dash back in October 2011 and he refused to train (I then refused to pay to sign him up)! He said he didn't need to train for a 5K with obstacles, which is likely true, but at the time, I wanted a teammate, not someone who didn't train and could still do laps around me. I'd even asked him to put together some boot camp style workouts for me a few times here and there. The huffing, puffing and grumbling of having him get off that darned couch made it more of an exercise of mental strength than of actually getting him to sweat along with me. And working out with a 'coach' who doesn't have vested interest is a waste of both parties time.

After 10 months of this back and forth with no results, I gave up on him and resigned to the fact, yet again, that the journey started out as me and it appeared it was going to be that way for a looooooooooong time. As spring started dusting off the winter chill, I discovered Pinterest and all its glorious recipes. This was also during the 40 days when Neal and I agreed to not eat out-I told him the motivation for doing so was financial, but in the back of my mind, I had another plan (hee, hee). We both had to make some changes at this point because the easy/lazy way out of ordering from a restaurant was no longer available to us. I began incorporating more veggies into his meal and less carbs/starches and then one day, I made a cauliflower crust pizza and he somehow got the bug in him. I was scared to tell him what it was when I put it on his plate as I thought he might grumble, pick at it and then starve for the evening. On the contrary, he ate all the leftovers and asked me when I was going to cook it again. Stunned, I reiterated that it was cauliflower, not regular pizza, and he still wanted it. Victory! Since then, I have been trying more and more healthy, seemingly abnormal, but delicious meals all of which I now receive no huffs and puffs over. And the positive reinforcement of him enjoying the meals makes me try harder to make delicious ones. Being the cook of the house finally enabled me to make the executive decision of what went into his body. He began eating breakfast (something he only did on weekends in the 5 years I've known him), opting for Subway at lunch, and encouraging a heavy hand with veggies and protein and a lighter hand with pastas, rices, and other carb sides (in fact, many of our meals are absent of these carbs altogether now). Often, our snacks consist of fruits, nuts, and veggies in lieu of chips, dips, and sweets. The 40 day plan worked after all and we have since limited our going out adventures and actually prefer home cooked meals. Let me tell you that the added responsibility of HAVING to cook every meal is well worth the effort, even if that means I don't officially stop working for the day until 7:00 every night.

I had figured out how to get him to eat healthier, but we all know eating clean is only half the goal to a healthy lifestyle. How can you motivate someone to go to the gym with you without making them feel like lazy, fatty pants or making them insecure about themselves? Talk about difficult, especially when I knew the impact my mother had on me with even the slightest of a comment (even if the intentions are good). Every once in awhile, we would see fit people and I would point them out and say "I want that to be us someday." I'd comment about how I want his heart healthy so we can live a long life together but that seemed to have no impact on him. I even started pointing out guys with incredibly sexy, muscular arms. For me, seeing pictures of gorgeously fit women gives me motivation to kick it up a notch, so I thought the same would be true of him. None of which had the desired effect on him.

About a week or two after the cauliflower pizza, we went to his favorite restaurant, On the Border, with another couple we know from his work. The two of them are pretty fit and active people and our entire conversation that evening easily fell into workout routines, upcoming races, etc. His friend, Rod, has bulked up in the last few months and it's beginning to show and so I kept prodding him about how he got to look this good and he was impressed with the mileage I was doing and wanted all of us to sign up for a run together later this summer. I think it was pretty obvious that Neal had nothing to contribute to the conversation and eventually, he began to reminisce with the group about how fit he was when he was deployed in Iraq and released some of his insecurities about how he looks now. And there, right in front of me, I saw his "x-factor" click. Somehow the conversation reminded him of how great he looked and felt before and how much he has lost since then (strength and bulk-wise). I'm sure hearing all of us so entranced with the topic for hours also helped.

The next thing I know, Neal is telling me he's going to the gym with me. I finally led him to water and he took a drink! We both found a cardio activity he likes, bike riding, so we purchased a pair and now we go out a few times a week on them. And on my weight-lifting days, he shows up too! It's almost been a year of me going at it solo and he is just now climbing on board. I think the combination of my cooking right and him being around gym goers did it for him. Like I said, the people you chill with truly do make an impact on your perceptions and in this case, it was for the better. The next thing I know, we are seeing a lot more of this couple (whom I adore) and we are all excited to do active activities together-not just going out to eat and seeing movies, etc. They are not sedentary couple and, thanks to Neal finally finding his X-factor, neither are we!

Today, that's how I feel

Moral of the story: don't EVER give up on helping the people you care about and love find their "x-factor". It's partially why I write this blog every week. I believe being healthy is no longer an option with all the risks and consequences of not being healthy. I have the desire to give encouragement to people who are thinking of making the change, have just started, or have been doing it all along. So don't be surprised if I come knocking, texting, calling or emailing you guys about what you've been up to and whether it is active or not because the heart of the matter is that I want us all to feel our best, be proud of ourselves and our accomplishments, and I want to keep the people I care about in my life as long as possible!

Love w/ all my bum,
CH

 

When Did This Journey REALLY Begin??

As many of you know, I started this healthy lifestyle in June of last year (2011), but we all know that you don't just wake up one day and say "I'm going to live healthier from now on and take my fatty pants to the gym for some sweat time." Today, as we lead into Mother's Day weekend, I am going to share with you the personal and embarrassing story of where it TRULY began...


A majority of women get engaged and decide that their wedding is the 'X factor' motivation to shed pounds (classic yo-yo pitfall). Sure, a bunch of pictures of you will be adorning your home for the rest of your life; therefore, you wanna look amazing and look back on that day without regrets of 'man, I shoulda lost a few more.' For me, that 'X factor' didn't really come at that point. Of course, I was a tad bit over weight but not to the point anyone would really say (behind closed doors) I could stand to lose a few. Naturally, I was obsessing about it but was under the impression that if I wasn't going to do anything about, then I shouldn't complain. 

This was the first time my future husband said those lines to me after I griped about the way a dress didn't fit the way it used to...ouch! but he was right and I kept my feelings about being a bit overweight to myself because I was taking no action to reverse it.  By the time I was a few months out from the wedding, it was a bit too late to start a regimen. A friend and I talked about it and we both decided on my behalf to not fret it...the point was, I was going to look beautiful regardless that day and Neal loves me regardless of my weight. I had to love the skin I was in-even if only temporarily. I got over that hurdle and must admit, I still love everything about my photos and that day without a tinge of regret for not losing 15 more pounds for the wedding. We honeymooned in Fiji and although I was a lil shy (read, embarrassed) at being in a swimsuit with other vacationers, my new husband was (as he should've been) enthralled with everything I said, did, moved, etc. So the sea time did my body image some good. Almost too good...


Fast forward a few months into newlywed bliss and I had put on some serious pounds. All that eating in and staring into each others eyes was great for the marriage, horrific for the waistline. I believe subconsciously, my husband had begun to pull back (he'll deny it to this day, that gentleman). I wasn't feeling attractive and sexy, so I know he couldn't have been feeling I was either. Even having that feeling, and being crushed by it, did not provide me the 'x factor.'


FORTY pounds added within 7 months of my marriage, I was feeling internally depressed about my body and had lost an enormous amount of self esteem (mind you, I was already 30 lbs heavier than I was supposed to be prior to the wedding). I became a couch potato. I watched movies religiously. I ate Top Ramen for snacks in between meals. I cannot even say food was a comfort for me because it wasn't. I was simply depressed and bored. There was nothing productive about my day, every day, and so making food and eating it served as something 'I did' like it was an accomplishment. I didn't feel sorry for myself at this time either, nor did I want pity. To an extent, my husband resigned to the position that I'll come around when I get sick of myself but let's face it, my eating habits were akin to his horrible eating habits and so we were BOTH hermit crabs with Taco Bell stained faces. 


And then we arrive at Mother's Day, 2011. A nice Hallmark holiday to do something with your family and show appreciation to the one who birthed you. 


Setting: Silver Diner (my mother has Celiac Disease and they just came out with a new gluten-free menu) with my parents, 2 younger siblings, husband, and step-dad's parents. Brunch-time.


I did not know that my step-grandmother was going to be present so I left Neal with the parents and skipped over (in my car, obviously) to Home Depot to buy a potted plant for her. I'm feeling pretty good in a new summer dress that is magenta and purple, is flowy and empress waisted so you don't really see all my rolls and big black sunglasses that hide the majority of my face of which I claim to wear due to my undeniable diva status (ha! NOT).


Hubs orders an appetizer for the table, I get chicken noodle soup, and we both order bison burgers on a pretzel roll. My mother, being none the quiet one (even when she thinks she is) sends me looks with words as I order "Really, all that?!" (she's been known to do this from time to time).


We eat, chat away, exchange presents and that's that for the grand event. But for me, it was just the beginning of a wonderful (read, shitty) day. On the ride home, we discuss the brunch and the conversations we had with everyone at the table. We make jokes about the mannerisms of my family and contrast them with his family. It's a little game we always do after family outings. Today, Neal was not interested and barely played our made up game. I could sense something was wrong but before I can ask he let's me know he is wholly infuriated at my mother. Thinking it's just an in-law thing (everyone at some point gripes about their in-laws), I asked if she made another inappropriate reference about our sex life? Nope. I ask if she badgered him with the million dollar question about what he's going to do when he gets out of the military? Nope. And.Then.He.Spoke.


"While you were out getting the plant for your grandmother, your mom saddles up next to me and asks "Do you think Carissa would start going to the gym with me if I asked? She's put on A LOT of weight, don't cha think? She needs to do something about how fats she gotten. Are you going to talk to her about it or should I?"


I IMMEDIATELY burst into uncontrollable tears. I mean, who wants their mother telling their husband that they think you are fat?! Who wants their mother to gossip about you to the one person who should NEVER gossip about you? And why was this the necessary time to talk about some sort of off the cuff intervention? And of course, I know the conversation was edited as my husband attempted to lessen the blow-so I naturally go to the scenario in my head and watch it pan out. To say it cut deep is an understatement. I felt betrayed by the mother code, women code, and essentially every code out there that rules against talking to someone's confidant about them. And it was more Earth shattering to hear it out of the mouth of MY husband. Generally speaking, most women do not talk about their weight with their husband-my mother told me to never do such things because then they will look at you differently. Now, I am more of an open book person, so my husband has a pulse about how I feel about myself, etc. maybe not to the full extent but he has at least a smidge of where I stand with my body in its current (at that time) status. But here is the person that told me not to talk to my husband about my personal struggle with weight turning around and talking about it behind my back to the one person she told me not to discuss my weight with! 


Seeing me upset made Neal even more upset. He felt like he had to tell me but also didn't quite know how to handle the situation. He justifiably felt my mother crossed a line into our personal lives that was unnecessary. He was also angry because he knew how I would take the news of her hurtful bombardment.  


Back when I lost a lot of weight before Neal came back from a deployment (2008), I was living at home. I say this now because I had the epiphany at Neal's confession that my mother had thought she played the largest role in my weight-loss, yet at that time, the gym was my salvation to get out of the house (mind you, I had lived on my own for 3 years, was back at home, and I needed independence every day and used the gym as an outlet). Sure, she provided dinner, but I made the portion choices, I divvied out my plate with more veg than carbs, etc. and I worked out solo. That was ALL me. But I also discerned that one of the few times my mother had ever said she was proud of me, was when I lost all that weight in 2008. Never mind being the only one in my family to graduate with a degree, never mind that I had graduated with 2 Bachelor's in 3 years and that I was getting my Masters, or that I was an all-star athlete w/ accolades out the wazoo. I had lost weight and looked good and therefore, she was proud. 


For me, this admission by Neal and the epiphany about the entire situation became my "X factor." I am a competitor by nature and hearing this story clicked in my head that I need to do this and I need to do this alone. I grasped that I had done it before and I CAN do it again. But this time, it would be permanent. I needed time to process the hurt of what my mother had said that day and fully process the fact that a month prior she asked me if I was hiding a pregnancy from her (i.e. I was getting fat and she wanted a reason as to why). And although she was extremely messed up for confiding in my husband and not me, there were truths to her backward ways. Yes, I had put on A LOT of weight, but NO I did not need her to get back on track. Nor did I need her to monitor my progress or talk to me about it and serve as a mentor. From someone who has been a notorious yo-yo'er, I knew her solutions would not be my solutions.

I took that month of May to really think about my weight, my family, my friends, etc. I thought about how I wanted to go about this journey, how I would measure success. Learn what was acceptable and realistic to me and what wasn't. I had to process that if my own mother was willing to talk about my weight behind my back, then Lord knows she was not the only one. About 2 months into my journey, a friend confirmed this very truth I was suspicious of when she told me her and her husband had thought during that month of May that I might be pregnant because of how big I had gotten since my wedding (ouch, that hurt and was probably one of the most embarrassing conversations I've had about my weight-I mean what do you say in response?!). And I've told you about my work environment, so it's a no-brainer that those discussions about me were taking place. Can you imagine this harsh reality? To be depressed already about how you look and guilting yourself only to discover that the people you care about were hurting you behind your back. All these people in various personal and not-so-personal circles were talking about MY weight, MY appearance and yet NO ONE said anything to MY face. Such IS the life of a fat girl. You know everyone has that opinion, but no one has the decency to say anything. 


Then again, the people who care the most (and likely the ones who talked about it the most when not around you) will be the first to support your new goals. Even if they didn't say anything to your face, they were on board with you before you even made the decision for yourself. It sounds kinda messed up, but looking back on it, I choose to spin it and believe that my friends and family (minus my mother) believed I could do it all along and were waiting to become my cheerleaders and offer unsolicited advice, tips, and most importantly, LOVE. Of course, I wish that someone had sat me down and 'woke me up' but there is no guarantee that that conversation would have provided me with the 'X factor' motivation to get off my fat bum and make a change-still, it would've been nice for someone to call me out before I became medically obese. 


As I look to Mother's day this week, I mark a bittersweet anniversary: 
a) The realization that I was an obese person,
b) Finding my 'X factor' to compete for my health on my own, and
c) The true beginning of this journey to a healthy lifestyle.

And being the picture taker my mother is, she did snap a few shots of me that day in all my humongous glory. Check them out:

I have no pictures after Xmas 2010 because I was getting larger and thus, avoiding cameras, so these are my 'largest' shots

And for full disclosure of the entire tale, I also later discovered when I looked for these pictures on my mothers computer to share with you today, that she had secretly taken pictures of my FAT ankles and legs under the table when I wasn't looking. I'm telling you, I was sickened to see that she had done this and immediately deleted them for fear I might snap at her and break her camera for good.  

After my avoidance in the honeymoon sea, the tears shed by the realization that I truly was obese, I had decided to make it all better by sweating it out. And that's where Isak Dinesen's quote plays such a true chord in my life and this journey. I cried to release my pain and hurt, I vacationed my mind to avoid the truth for awhile, and finally decided to cure it all with sweat! 

So there is the real beginning of my journey, marked at almost a year ago today, when I found my 'x factor' slash motivation to change permanently. I think back to that frame of mind I was in before and I do not recognize that person. I do still recognize the pain and have allowed myself to again process it today in this post, but I can harness it into a better energy now by keeping my 'x factor' alive and kickin' bum! So there ya go.   

Question to the class: Have you found your 'X factor' and if so, what was it? Please share in the comment section! If you haven't found your 'X factor' are you in the mind-frame I was in for awhile, where you know you need to change but it just hasn't clicked? Share your insights, please! We only get stronger as we face our fears and tackle them!

Love w/ all my bum (you special supporters, you!),

CH

P.S. So the question must be begged about the status of the relationship with my mother now: to this day, I do not talk to my mother about my weight-loss. I do not share my journey even though she asks about it CONSTANTLY because now it's obvious my body is changing and I am visibly slimming down. My competitive side warrants her no credit, even if her betrayal helped sparked the fire in my bum. Weight-loss might be a shared goal of ours, but its best for my health to not go into it with her. One day, I will share with her those feelings, but it will be long from now, when the "I told ya so's" and the "well, it obviously worked b/c you started working out" feelings no longer exist. 

P.P.S. I know this post paints my mother in a horrible picture. My mother is not a horrible person, she is loving and caring and would do anything for her children...even if she hurts, I know her intentions are not seeded w/ the intent to cause pain regardless of her motive. In this topic, it just sadly happens to be the case.