When Did This Journey REALLY Begin??

As many of you know, I started this healthy lifestyle in June of last year (2011), but we all know that you don't just wake up one day and say "I'm going to live healthier from now on and take my fatty pants to the gym for some sweat time." Today, as we lead into Mother's Day weekend, I am going to share with you the personal and embarrassing story of where it TRULY began...


A majority of women get engaged and decide that their wedding is the 'X factor' motivation to shed pounds (classic yo-yo pitfall). Sure, a bunch of pictures of you will be adorning your home for the rest of your life; therefore, you wanna look amazing and look back on that day without regrets of 'man, I shoulda lost a few more.' For me, that 'X factor' didn't really come at that point. Of course, I was a tad bit over weight but not to the point anyone would really say (behind closed doors) I could stand to lose a few. Naturally, I was obsessing about it but was under the impression that if I wasn't going to do anything about, then I shouldn't complain. 

This was the first time my future husband said those lines to me after I griped about the way a dress didn't fit the way it used to...ouch! but he was right and I kept my feelings about being a bit overweight to myself because I was taking no action to reverse it.  By the time I was a few months out from the wedding, it was a bit too late to start a regimen. A friend and I talked about it and we both decided on my behalf to not fret it...the point was, I was going to look beautiful regardless that day and Neal loves me regardless of my weight. I had to love the skin I was in-even if only temporarily. I got over that hurdle and must admit, I still love everything about my photos and that day without a tinge of regret for not losing 15 more pounds for the wedding. We honeymooned in Fiji and although I was a lil shy (read, embarrassed) at being in a swimsuit with other vacationers, my new husband was (as he should've been) enthralled with everything I said, did, moved, etc. So the sea time did my body image some good. Almost too good...


Fast forward a few months into newlywed bliss and I had put on some serious pounds. All that eating in and staring into each others eyes was great for the marriage, horrific for the waistline. I believe subconsciously, my husband had begun to pull back (he'll deny it to this day, that gentleman). I wasn't feeling attractive and sexy, so I know he couldn't have been feeling I was either. Even having that feeling, and being crushed by it, did not provide me the 'x factor.'


FORTY pounds added within 7 months of my marriage, I was feeling internally depressed about my body and had lost an enormous amount of self esteem (mind you, I was already 30 lbs heavier than I was supposed to be prior to the wedding). I became a couch potato. I watched movies religiously. I ate Top Ramen for snacks in between meals. I cannot even say food was a comfort for me because it wasn't. I was simply depressed and bored. There was nothing productive about my day, every day, and so making food and eating it served as something 'I did' like it was an accomplishment. I didn't feel sorry for myself at this time either, nor did I want pity. To an extent, my husband resigned to the position that I'll come around when I get sick of myself but let's face it, my eating habits were akin to his horrible eating habits and so we were BOTH hermit crabs with Taco Bell stained faces. 


And then we arrive at Mother's Day, 2011. A nice Hallmark holiday to do something with your family and show appreciation to the one who birthed you. 


Setting: Silver Diner (my mother has Celiac Disease and they just came out with a new gluten-free menu) with my parents, 2 younger siblings, husband, and step-dad's parents. Brunch-time.


I did not know that my step-grandmother was going to be present so I left Neal with the parents and skipped over (in my car, obviously) to Home Depot to buy a potted plant for her. I'm feeling pretty good in a new summer dress that is magenta and purple, is flowy and empress waisted so you don't really see all my rolls and big black sunglasses that hide the majority of my face of which I claim to wear due to my undeniable diva status (ha! NOT).


Hubs orders an appetizer for the table, I get chicken noodle soup, and we both order bison burgers on a pretzel roll. My mother, being none the quiet one (even when she thinks she is) sends me looks with words as I order "Really, all that?!" (she's been known to do this from time to time).


We eat, chat away, exchange presents and that's that for the grand event. But for me, it was just the beginning of a wonderful (read, shitty) day. On the ride home, we discuss the brunch and the conversations we had with everyone at the table. We make jokes about the mannerisms of my family and contrast them with his family. It's a little game we always do after family outings. Today, Neal was not interested and barely played our made up game. I could sense something was wrong but before I can ask he let's me know he is wholly infuriated at my mother. Thinking it's just an in-law thing (everyone at some point gripes about their in-laws), I asked if she made another inappropriate reference about our sex life? Nope. I ask if she badgered him with the million dollar question about what he's going to do when he gets out of the military? Nope. And.Then.He.Spoke.


"While you were out getting the plant for your grandmother, your mom saddles up next to me and asks "Do you think Carissa would start going to the gym with me if I asked? She's put on A LOT of weight, don't cha think? She needs to do something about how fats she gotten. Are you going to talk to her about it or should I?"


I IMMEDIATELY burst into uncontrollable tears. I mean, who wants their mother telling their husband that they think you are fat?! Who wants their mother to gossip about you to the one person who should NEVER gossip about you? And why was this the necessary time to talk about some sort of off the cuff intervention? And of course, I know the conversation was edited as my husband attempted to lessen the blow-so I naturally go to the scenario in my head and watch it pan out. To say it cut deep is an understatement. I felt betrayed by the mother code, women code, and essentially every code out there that rules against talking to someone's confidant about them. And it was more Earth shattering to hear it out of the mouth of MY husband. Generally speaking, most women do not talk about their weight with their husband-my mother told me to never do such things because then they will look at you differently. Now, I am more of an open book person, so my husband has a pulse about how I feel about myself, etc. maybe not to the full extent but he has at least a smidge of where I stand with my body in its current (at that time) status. But here is the person that told me not to talk to my husband about my personal struggle with weight turning around and talking about it behind my back to the one person she told me not to discuss my weight with! 


Seeing me upset made Neal even more upset. He felt like he had to tell me but also didn't quite know how to handle the situation. He justifiably felt my mother crossed a line into our personal lives that was unnecessary. He was also angry because he knew how I would take the news of her hurtful bombardment.  


Back when I lost a lot of weight before Neal came back from a deployment (2008), I was living at home. I say this now because I had the epiphany at Neal's confession that my mother had thought she played the largest role in my weight-loss, yet at that time, the gym was my salvation to get out of the house (mind you, I had lived on my own for 3 years, was back at home, and I needed independence every day and used the gym as an outlet). Sure, she provided dinner, but I made the portion choices, I divvied out my plate with more veg than carbs, etc. and I worked out solo. That was ALL me. But I also discerned that one of the few times my mother had ever said she was proud of me, was when I lost all that weight in 2008. Never mind being the only one in my family to graduate with a degree, never mind that I had graduated with 2 Bachelor's in 3 years and that I was getting my Masters, or that I was an all-star athlete w/ accolades out the wazoo. I had lost weight and looked good and therefore, she was proud. 


For me, this admission by Neal and the epiphany about the entire situation became my "X factor." I am a competitor by nature and hearing this story clicked in my head that I need to do this and I need to do this alone. I grasped that I had done it before and I CAN do it again. But this time, it would be permanent. I needed time to process the hurt of what my mother had said that day and fully process the fact that a month prior she asked me if I was hiding a pregnancy from her (i.e. I was getting fat and she wanted a reason as to why). And although she was extremely messed up for confiding in my husband and not me, there were truths to her backward ways. Yes, I had put on A LOT of weight, but NO I did not need her to get back on track. Nor did I need her to monitor my progress or talk to me about it and serve as a mentor. From someone who has been a notorious yo-yo'er, I knew her solutions would not be my solutions.

I took that month of May to really think about my weight, my family, my friends, etc. I thought about how I wanted to go about this journey, how I would measure success. Learn what was acceptable and realistic to me and what wasn't. I had to process that if my own mother was willing to talk about my weight behind my back, then Lord knows she was not the only one. About 2 months into my journey, a friend confirmed this very truth I was suspicious of when she told me her and her husband had thought during that month of May that I might be pregnant because of how big I had gotten since my wedding (ouch, that hurt and was probably one of the most embarrassing conversations I've had about my weight-I mean what do you say in response?!). And I've told you about my work environment, so it's a no-brainer that those discussions about me were taking place. Can you imagine this harsh reality? To be depressed already about how you look and guilting yourself only to discover that the people you care about were hurting you behind your back. All these people in various personal and not-so-personal circles were talking about MY weight, MY appearance and yet NO ONE said anything to MY face. Such IS the life of a fat girl. You know everyone has that opinion, but no one has the decency to say anything. 


Then again, the people who care the most (and likely the ones who talked about it the most when not around you) will be the first to support your new goals. Even if they didn't say anything to your face, they were on board with you before you even made the decision for yourself. It sounds kinda messed up, but looking back on it, I choose to spin it and believe that my friends and family (minus my mother) believed I could do it all along and were waiting to become my cheerleaders and offer unsolicited advice, tips, and most importantly, LOVE. Of course, I wish that someone had sat me down and 'woke me up' but there is no guarantee that that conversation would have provided me with the 'X factor' motivation to get off my fat bum and make a change-still, it would've been nice for someone to call me out before I became medically obese. 


As I look to Mother's day this week, I mark a bittersweet anniversary: 
a) The realization that I was an obese person,
b) Finding my 'X factor' to compete for my health on my own, and
c) The true beginning of this journey to a healthy lifestyle.

And being the picture taker my mother is, she did snap a few shots of me that day in all my humongous glory. Check them out:

I have no pictures after Xmas 2010 because I was getting larger and thus, avoiding cameras, so these are my 'largest' shots

And for full disclosure of the entire tale, I also later discovered when I looked for these pictures on my mothers computer to share with you today, that she had secretly taken pictures of my FAT ankles and legs under the table when I wasn't looking. I'm telling you, I was sickened to see that she had done this and immediately deleted them for fear I might snap at her and break her camera for good.  

After my avoidance in the honeymoon sea, the tears shed by the realization that I truly was obese, I had decided to make it all better by sweating it out. And that's where Isak Dinesen's quote plays such a true chord in my life and this journey. I cried to release my pain and hurt, I vacationed my mind to avoid the truth for awhile, and finally decided to cure it all with sweat! 

So there is the real beginning of my journey, marked at almost a year ago today, when I found my 'x factor' slash motivation to change permanently. I think back to that frame of mind I was in before and I do not recognize that person. I do still recognize the pain and have allowed myself to again process it today in this post, but I can harness it into a better energy now by keeping my 'x factor' alive and kickin' bum! So there ya go.   

Question to the class: Have you found your 'X factor' and if so, what was it? Please share in the comment section! If you haven't found your 'X factor' are you in the mind-frame I was in for awhile, where you know you need to change but it just hasn't clicked? Share your insights, please! We only get stronger as we face our fears and tackle them!

Love w/ all my bum (you special supporters, you!),

CH

P.S. So the question must be begged about the status of the relationship with my mother now: to this day, I do not talk to my mother about my weight-loss. I do not share my journey even though she asks about it CONSTANTLY because now it's obvious my body is changing and I am visibly slimming down. My competitive side warrants her no credit, even if her betrayal helped sparked the fire in my bum. Weight-loss might be a shared goal of ours, but its best for my health to not go into it with her. One day, I will share with her those feelings, but it will be long from now, when the "I told ya so's" and the "well, it obviously worked b/c you started working out" feelings no longer exist. 

P.P.S. I know this post paints my mother in a horrible picture. My mother is not a horrible person, she is loving and caring and would do anything for her children...even if she hurts, I know her intentions are not seeded w/ the intent to cause pain regardless of her motive. In this topic, it just sadly happens to be the case.