And so I started this journey. I didn't work out long that day, but I knew I had made another positive step. I wanted to continue. I even had a friend who wanted to see change in their life...so I felt like I had an external support system to make me accountable and a husband that I knew would cheer me on (even if he wasn't participating). But I knew that wouldn't be enough. The friends and the support would be fleeting. I had my own set of goals that I knew no one else shared. I wanted to be held to a higher standard: accountable to myself and my own words. If it was published publicly, how could I not face them? How could I deny it's utterances? I couldn't. And so this blog, Bum Greater Than Heart, was born. I loved what the name implied because I knew that no matter how fit I got, no matter how much I changed, my booty would always be bigger than my heart! I embraced it but also felt like it would be a forever kind of challenge to strive to become a better person and make my heart bigger. But I knew that I would be of no use to anyone if I wasn't personally healthy inside and out-hence making that booty smaller first!
For a year, some of you have been following my ups and downs with motivation, my revelations, my constant turmoil with my weight, my changes to a healthier eating lifestyle. I have let you know of my failures and my successes. I have been vulnerable more than ever before. In a society where weight and image is so predominant, I stood out on the gang plank naked before all of you w/ my obesity, high scale numbers, and my courage in front of you. I put it all out there. And yet you still read and gave me encouragement when I thought I might drown.
Today, I reflect on this past year. I have gone through so much, but so have all of you. When you reflect on a year, so many others stories get mingled within them. Some people that I was really close to a year ago are no longer a part of my life (although that makes me sad, I'm ok with it), some things that I despise are still a part of my every day life, and some things (the good things) have been a constant-only now I can appreciate those constant more fully and I attribute that to June 2, 2011-the day I STARTED.
I set out to reach a goal and come hell or high water (or a foot injury), I was going to finish. I'm not going to lie, that race kicked my butt. It was hard, hot, laborious and at times I never felt so lonely. Have you ever been in a crowd of thousands and felt like you were the only one there? Can you imagine how it felt to watch woman after woman pass me for TWO AND A HALF HOURS while I struggled to maintain an even pace? How about seeing all these beautifully fit and toned women around me climb a mountain with me that they don't see as a personal triumph because it was, and has been, second nature for them? I have never felt so out of place. And the loneliness towards the end was unbearable. A year of flashback feelings came to me during that race. The feeling inadequate, gross, etc. and then a second later, I would look down at my arm with a portion of a quote I loved and found myself again. There I was, among these athletes, still doing it, still finishing what I had started.
I ran this race intending to not walk during any part of it. That has always been my goal-to do it without stopping. Unfortunately, I did have to walk a couple different parts of it. I know that seems like a small thing, but for me, it was a personal failure. I really cannot make any excuses for it. The last month of training (i.e. the most important part) was riddled with my injury and I only truly performed 2 days of the 4 weeks I needed to. Of course, this rest of my foot enabled me to even be able to participate in the run and I am ever thankful for that because doing this race on the 1 year anniversary of my decision to start this journey was meaningful to me on so many levels. But my mind knew I could do better and so I wasn't filled with enormous pride when I finished. I wanted to push myself and I did. The last long run I did two weeks ago was at a whopping 15 min/mile pace. In this race, I brought that down 3 minutes per mile faster with no additional training; however, my results was still 1:00 minute to 1:30 seconds per mile slower than I wanted to personally achieve at the race. So I felt that even though I pushed myself, I came up a bit short of my personal goal.
Looking at the "positive side of things," I am grateful I could run at all. Sometimes I feel like shaking myself and saying "Really, Carissa? Really? A year ago you couldn't do 1/13 of this and here I am running a HALF-MARATHON...that's a big freaking deal! Some of your own friends made an excuse as to why they couldn't even leave their house today and yet here you are running this at the butt-crack of dawn, post-crazy tornado and flooding in the DC area, ready to rumble. Some people you know are still 'shoulder's even after a year of you telling them they are the sole people in control of their decisions....and are STILL overweight and loathe themselves...You should be PROUD of even the smallest achievement because it is better than doing nothing at all!"
And then I realized why I feel unaccomplished today. Yea, I didn't go as fast as I wanted to, I didn't run the entire time (my biggest hang up), but life happens. Sometimes I don't stay on my healthy kick and I go for the ice cream instead of the berries. I get sick and want the comfort of Ramen noodles. And sometimes a stupid foot injury keeps me from reaching my personal goal, but a busted foot one month and a package of Ramen here and there does not represent a failure in the entire journey, but rather a small failure or present challenge in the overall big picture. If I was perfect all the time, what good would it do for me or for anyone? How could my readers relate if I decided I was going to eat right and then NEVER mess up? What would I write about then? Nothing! If I had ran this race 1,000% to my personal standards then I wouldn't feel the need to challenge myself further.
God does indeed work in mysterious ways. I know I feel pretty down and out about this run at the moment and maybe in a few weeks I'll write about it as the best thing I did so far w/ sunshine and rainbows (plan on another post just as I described w/ pictures of the run and my raw emotions throughout)...but guess what? I am already looking for the next one. I am going to do another 1/2 marathon and this time, I am not going to walk at all and I am going to reach my pace goal. Sans injury, no feeling sorry for myself, and no excuses. There it is in print so you can all hold me to it!
Post Year Confession: I secretly thought a year ago that after one year, I would have lost those 70 lbs and been all cute and hot again. Life and permanent change takes more than just a year and I am realizing that now. If I had just dropped all that weight, I would still be the same, skinny person I was years ago and that just won't do. This is about growth and being healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have a long way to go. I am not the total package...yet. Again, God works mysteriously.
With this renewed sense of challenge and determination, I set forth into year #2 of my transformation. Again, I promise the truth, the ups, the downs, the failures. I could have written this post all victorious and proud, but it wouldn't have been real and what was truly on my mind at present. I know some of you may think I am being hard on myself, but it just isn't the case. If anything, I am more determined and resilient because now I am competing with myself and if you know me on any personal level, I am the most competitive person out there and I.HATE.TO.LOSE. So take that self! Bring it on!
So after a year, I really do realize that the miracle is not that I finished the half marathon, or any other race I completed or will sign up for, but that the miracle is that I decided to START this journey in the first place.
Love w/ my ever shrinking bum,
CH
P.S. I hope that you continue to share your struggles, triumphs and most important, that you continue to support me in this journey. Your feedback is sometimes what gets me through the week, that's just how important each and every one of you are.
