4 months-wow.

4 months have and gone and here I am still posting to this blog weekly and then some!

I don't want to quite reflect back on everything in this journey, but I can't help but think of how far along I have come. Obviously, my weight is not where I want it to be but 4 months ago I was over 200 lbs and now I am not. I think that in and of itself is a great thing.  A reader recently told me that I always shed a positive light on this blog and maybe it seems like I am not being 'real' enough. I guess that is part of me trying to make my heart bigger than my bum. I am generally a realist that is often perceived as being negative; I am working on seeing the sunshine and rainbows a little more frequently. And in reality, all this hard work and sweat and jiggling about makes me feel like I need one outlet where I can be positive about every little thing I accomplish-which is here in this blog. But this post will be more 'real' in the sense that rainbows won't overshadow my thoughts and feelings. 

I give myself a hard time and guilt myself when I have more wine than I should or eat something I know is bad, but let's face it. This sh*t is hard. No one is perfect and sometimes it really does feel like eating a bowl of ice cream is worth being fat for. There's a reason why people characterize heavy people as jolly and jovial...maybe it's because they are living how they see fit and not counting calories or worrying about the next mini-goal they are trying to reach. We often say these people need a reality check because their risk of disease and fatality from obesity is increasing exponentially. Frankly, it's easier to be lazy, easier to sit on the couch, easier to grab extra handfuls of treats. No one said this journey was going to be easy and if it was easy-more people would do it. I guess I am just now realizing how tough it truly is. Sometimes, it doesn't seem worth it when you work your bum off for fractions of a pound on the scale each week.

They don't say Jolly ol' Saint Nick for no reason!

Last month, I talked about how great it was for people to notice my change in weight. What I didn't realize is that from that point on, those people would become monitors of my progress. Bring out the microscope people, because now I am frequently asked how it's going and it tends to feel more like an interview and awkward than to be proud of what I've accomplished. I sometimes feel like saying "yep, I am still fat, but am not as obese as you remember-so please get that old vision of me out of your head-thanks!" When you work at a place like I do, any change is noticed and spoken about in cigarette breaks and cubical whispers-most often not in a positive nature. That added pressure sometimes seems unbearable. Talk to the people who aren't working out and your presence makes THEM feel bad/fat. Talk to the super fit crew and they put you in your place via their glowing accomplishments via triathlons, marathons and their already near perfect physiques and size 2 designer slacks. 

With that b*itching and complaining out, this week was a different kind of pay off. I went hiking in Cotoctin Mountain, Maryland, ran 4 miles without stopping, accomplished running 1 mile in 9.10 minutes (reminder: I started out near a 15 minute mile), and set a new goal of that Hot Chocolate 15K. 

I overall feel pretty good about that and even though I did not lose weight this week, (thank you Aunt Flo) I actually looked at myself naked today and did not feel ashamed. Remember a couple weeks ago I took pictures of myself again in that blue bikini? I could tell a few differences here and there but overall still felt dumpy. This morning as I got ready to weigh myself, I turned and faced my mirror and liked what I saw. I could bend at the waist and not see rolls to the left and right of my "underboob" and obliques, my back fat is slithering away and my stomach is getting tighter. My weight this week does not do my body justice. My body is taking form in the shape it should be. It's more about how you see yourself and how others see you than the number on the scale. And today, I feel like I've lost over 30 lbs. We all hit plateaus here and there and I don't think I necessarily hit one, but I do know that something is changing overall with my physique. I am hopeful that over the next few weeks that weight loss will catch up to my changing body...and then some :) 

On to this week's results:

Week 18

Weight: 180.2

Body fat: 38.4%

BMI: 29.6

Water weight: 44.9%

Weeks: 45

Week 1 Stats

Weight Day One: 207.8

Percent of Body Fat: 44.3%

BMI: 34.2

Water Weight: 40.6%

Caloric Intake Should Be: 2127 cal/day

Weeks to Meet Goal: 7

Although I am not as uppity as I generally am on Thursdays, I will be going out later to start the mission of finding a Marine Corps Ball dress w/ a gal pal. All of us in not-so-fit situations know that this can be a daunting experience; however, I will strive to make this celebratory as last year I refused to go because I knew I would not fit in the dress size I was accustomed to. Today, I am in that size so that will brighten my spirits and make me feel regal or sexy or whatever the dress I find conveys. So I'm off to get done up and look good-it's the best advice I can give for dress shopping. Look like a million bucks and you'll feel like a million bucks and the size of the dress won't matter-how great it looks on you does!

I look forward to sunnier days next week and rainbow posts for week 19!

Love with all my bum,

CH